His Grace Is Sufficient – Amazing Grace

Early morning on Wednesday, May 16^th I realized I was 5 days late. I rushed into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. In less then 2 minutes, my heart started beating faster, joy over came my heart and my eyes got big. I WAS PREGNANT. At first I couldn’t believe it. I sat there for about 5 minutes, realizing I need to tell my husband. Then I remembered he is getting ready to go out of town for a couple of days in the next 45 minutes. I prayed “Lord give me wisdom”. In that moment I decided to wait for a better timing to share this wonderful blessing. This was very hard for me, because I’m usually impatient. God’s grace helped me to remain calm.

As I dropped of Todd at the airport, I didn’t want him to leave, but comfort came as I was reminded, it is only for 2 days. All kinds of thoughts were racing in my mind and I began the beautiful journey to embrace the pregnancy. I looked up all kinds of articles, watched a documentary, and looked up midwives and so on. I kept myself pretty busy. I also planned a wonderful beach date with Todd upon his arrival, to share the good news.

Saturday couldn’t have come quick enough. I was excited, happy and couldn’t wait to burst out the news. After a loving day at the beach and yummy food, I began to smile and shared about the pregnancy. Todd’s look was priceless. His eyes looked the same like mine, when I saw the test. I burst out laughing and we both stared with amazement into the ocean. We prayed and chatted away.

At that point I was already into the 5^th week. Nausea and other pregnancy symptoms kicked in pretty soon after. Bathroom runs were getting more frequently by the hour. This was a wonderful new experience. Each day I would read about motherhood and all the amazing ways of God creating a new life. Suddenly certain scriptures had a deeper meaning and I was able to receive a better understanding of God’s love for us. I was filled with joy and love as each day went by.

As the days went on, we began to share our baby news with our parents, siblings and loved ones. The joy and happiness expressed by each person brought extra delight to our hearts. One of the best moments we have experienced that I will treasure forever is, when we shared the news with our Servant leaders. It was like a huge celebration filled with lots of laughter. What was even more of a fantastic surprise was, that one of the other Servant leaders couple was also pregnant at the same time. This was surely an answered prayer to share this journey with another expecting mommy. It’s amazing how quickly our perspective of life can change in an instant second. Life is very special and full of wonderful experiences.

4 days later everything changed. I was working long hours and got home late that evening. I mentioned to Todd that I wasn’t feeling well. I noticed some discomfort through cramps. Only a few minutes later the moment of shock overcame us. At that very moment I knew exactly what happened. I screamed and yearned for help. My heart was aching as tears rolled down my eyes. My husband rushed to comfort me. Instantly my body went through changes. The midwife suggested going to the ER immediately. As we rushed to the ER, we prayed and cried out to God. I felt His presence with us the entire time.

The emergency room was an experience in it of it self. I could not believe how everyone was treated and the lack of space we all had. I quickly chose to stay focused. We waited many hours to receive an answer. The only thing that kept me was worship. I sang unto the Lord and praised Him for who He is. I had hope and believed God can heal the baby, if something was wrong. At the same time, I prayed that God’s perfect will be done. I knew that whatever would happen next, He would never leave us nor forsake us. My husband was of great support and brought me much comfort. About 10 hrs later we finally received the news that broke our hearts. We thought we were twelve weeks pregnant, but unfortunately the baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks. I was asked to get a D&C, but I chose to miscarry natural.

At 5:30am we drove home. The streets were empty and the sun began to rise. The air was fresh and the birds began to make a joyful noise. It was at that moment when I looked at Todd and said. What if the baby’s purpose was to bring us closer? Through this entire process we grew closer and deeper towards each other. I also felt the Lord prompt my heart, through the quietness, the stillness and the beautiful sunrise that His mercies are new every morning and that this is a new beginning. There was a peace that truly surpassed all understanding. When we arrived home, we lay down and slept.

I woke up hrs later with great sadness and replayed everything that happened the night before. I couldn’t make sense of everything. It took me a moment to realize what happened. That night we had our young adult ministry meeting. I knew I wasn’t going to go. I stayed at home with my sister in-law and a friend. God truly gave Todd enough strength to go to Transitions (YA ministry) and share one of the most anointed message ever. No one there knew what was going on. Thank you Lord for your amazing grace. For carrying my husband, when He was tired and broken. Thank you for delivering a message through him to bring healing to others.

The next day we flew to Indiana to visit my parent in-laws. I was cleared to go with precautions. 1-½ hours into the flight I completely passed out. This brought another great shock to my husband. Thank God for providing a doctor on the plane and bringing me back to consciousness. Once we landed I got send to the ER. While I’m lying in the ambulance, God gave me enough strength to witness to the paramedic. I was blown away that even in the midst of my pain and brokenness, God was able to use me. It was such a beautiful divine appointment. In that moment God ministered to me and increased my faith. Once we arrived, the paramedic and I had a special connection; we hugged each other and knew God ordained this moment. I hope to see her again one day.  Four hrs later I was dismissed. My body was stable and I needed to rest.

Being with the parents and away from the city, was absolutely necessary. I needed the Lord and time to cope with everything. Those three days were vital for our healing process. We flew back on that Tuesday and got home safe and sound. From that day on until the next 7 days, I had company from our amazing Servant leaders, brother and my sister in-law. They have truly blessed our hearts. They served us and took good care of us. We felt deeply loved and thank the Lord for a wonderful support system. There is none like our God. He cares for us so deeply and carries us through every circumstance.

A week went by and it didn’t seem like I was going to miscarry natural. After a sonogram, I was suggested to get a D&C. It hurt deeply to see the baby with no life. I was very uncomfortable with the thought of having a surgery, but I chose to trust God. I thank the Lord for my husband and for how strong he was the entire time. He truly was of great support and took good care of me. He is my hero. We were sitting at the doctor office and I’m pumped up with medication to get ready for the surgery. Even then I felt the presence of God with us. During this process I chose to worship and pray my way through, after 20 minutes everything was over. As tears streamed down my face, I submitted all of my pain to God. I knew that healing would come and that He would strengthen and comfort us.

It’s been about three months since we had the miscarriage. When I look back, I can see how God’s mighty hand protected us and used our experience to encourage others. In every situation, we give God the glory. I now have the authority to speak to women with a similar experience. I have educated myself and learned horrific statistics. There are 25% of women, who will have a miscarriage that know about it and about another 20-25% that didn’t even know they had it and mistakenly took it as a stronger period. My heart is burdened for the many women that share the same heartache and pain. I’ve learned that many have no one to talk to or kept it as a secret. There are many lovely women, that don’t have the support system they need. I want to be of great help to those who fight this circumstance alone. I want to bring hope through the love of Jesus and comfort that everything will be OK. I can truly declare that God’s grace is sufficient. God has kept us and poured out His amazing grace on us.

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” Jesus has made a way for us to receive eternal life. Jesus went to the cross for our sins. Jesus feels our pain. He understands our hurt. He bore it for us. God is able to heal us and mend our hearts. I could not imagine going through this entire experience, without the love of God. I dare not to ask God why, but choose to trust His plans for my life. God did not cause this; His own precious heart broke with ours. There are so many things happening in this world, that we can’t comprehend. All I know is that Jesus lives within me and feels everything I do. I love Him so much, because He loved me first. I believe that one day I will be reunited with my baby in heaven. For our baby went from the womb straight to heaven. The baby was blessed enough, not having to deal with the sadness and troubles of this world.

Pray with us during this season. I have my moments here and there and it comes in waves, but our God is an awesome God and I believe His timing is perfect. His grace is sufficient.

Be Encouraged,

Nicole Crews

*Here are two books that blessed me during this difficult time:

-       Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt

-       Hanna’s Hope by Jennifer Saake