First year of marriage

Brief intro:

We met for the 1st time at the Transitions young adult retreat in September 2007. Later that year, I got involved in BT kids and Todd happened to work for BT kids at the time. We got to know each other through ministry and became good friends. In January 2008, Todd launched Project compassion, which was the outreach component of Transitions. I was chosen to be part of the leadership team and we worked closer together. End of March my lease was up, and Todd helped me move in with a friend that lived 2 blocks from him. We then had a great excuse to go and leave the church together, and the rest became history. We officially started courting in July 2008, we got engaged July 2009 and we got married December 2009. And here we are today married for 1 yr 2 months.

I have to tell you when we reached our 1 yr anniversary, we rejoiced and said we maid it ;-) The first 6 months you will say “Wow we are married” or you will ask: “What is wrong with you?”

Bullet points:

• Everything changes
• Moving in together
• Communicating
• Humility
• Process/Time
• Challenges (Communication, differences, intimacy and outlet)

First year of marriage, what has changed from the wedding day until now? EVERYTHING! Starting with moving in together, waking up next to each other everyday, establishing the apartment, dividing house chores, dealing with the finances, increased cooking and cleaning, sharing your space, changing from mine to ours and the list goes on…

Let me pick out one big adjustment MOVING IN TOGETHER/LIVING WITH EACH OTHER: If you think you know your boo, you are absolutely wrong J I remember someone ask me (and it seems like a rhetorical question) do you know Todd? So I tried to answer smart and said: I probably didn’t even scratch the surface. He answered: “YOU KNOW NOTHING!” Great thanks for the encouragement. And you know what, he was right. It is a whole other ball game. You will truly get to know the other person for who she/he really is. There is no more hiding, covering up and pretending. You will be fully exposed. So I encourage you to start Communicating!! Talk it out, share, and reveal whatever is on your heart or what the other person may not know about you. From habits, fears, struggles, challenges, about family background, upbringing, past relationships, expectations, emotions and so on. The more you share before marriage, the less surprises you will have.

Another big thing is humility. In general as a Christian there is no room for pride and especially in marriage. It will help you, to put yourself in the frame of mind, that God placed your future husband/wife in your life to help you to become more like Christ. They will know everything about you. Your flaws, shortcomings, strengths and they will point out a wrong, correct you if needed and you want to embrace that. Keep in mind he will not be your enemy, but your partner, team mate & best friend. God taught me how to die to myself and I’m still learning. I thank God for my husband, because he makes me a better person. He challenges me and helps me to grow. In marriage God will use your spouse to teach you how to humble yourself.

Keep in mind that everything is a process, and everything takes time. There are no quick fix solutions. The more you prepare yourself by studying the Word, reading about marriage, and talking with other healthy godly couples, will help you to gain understanding and prepare you for what’s to come. Now I’m going to keep it real with you. Todd and I read as many books we could get our hands on, listen to many marriage related sermons, had pre marital counseling for about 8 months, and did the pre marital class like so many of you. And still, when you are in the midst of a conflict, facing differences, dealing with emotions, struggle to understand each other, it is CHALLENGING! Just prepping won’t take the challenges or potential battles away, but it will help you to be aware, to remind you that this is normal, many go through the same things and there is hope. I don’t want to know how we would have handled any challenges, if we wouldn’t take the time out to study. It is important, don’t cheat yourself in thinking; you can deal with when it happens.

What has been the biggest challenge in our marriage? Well here are a couple: Communication – when to talk and when not to talk. Differences – embracing it, accepting it and appreciating it. Intimacy – understanding each other’s needs, expectations, past consequences and how much work goes into it. Outlet – Having another married women of God that can relate to you and you can confide in! That last one is definitely been hard for me. Ladies, I pray that God will provide that women or better yet that couple in your life. It is not healthy to use your future spouse as a counselor. I’m still waiting on God to answer that prayer for me. A person that can relate to my situation, which is married to a Pastor and involved in ministry.

- Shared at the Pre-marital prep class at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. Thank you Lord for giving us an opportunity to share. Very humbling. God is awesome.

Blessings,

Nicole